Well, folks. We did it. Yep, got out of Cracker Barrel relatively unscathed Thursday night. Don't know how we did it, But I think it's a first. Of course, all the troublemakers have taken a hike. Like the 72 year-old lady bouncer that used to be the WWE wrestler (back in the old days when it was the WWF)...Last I heard she moved to New York City. Heard through the Cracker Barrel Grapevine that she was an avid fan of the Apprentice and had the hots for Donald Trump. Said she wanted to run her long, airbrushed fingernails (with the tiny gunshot holes painted on them) Through his lovely locks. Did I mention that she's legally blind in one eye and can't see out of the other? She'd give Melania a run for her money if she had a touch up on her face lift and dyed her hair flaming red to match her red lipstick. But that's just my humble opinion.
Now about the ex-felon woman (and that's using the term "woman" loosely) that brought her gang o' female thugs to the Cracker Barrel and gave us the stinkeye as they were escorted by the lovely (again, loosely) dark-mustached hostess (Hey. I guess she can't help it. I hear it was due to her Armenian heritage) to the smoking section. After the cops hauled her and her band of large-muscled, hairy armpitted nasties off in the paddy wagon to the Lake County jail, I heard they busted out by slinging the toxic meatloaf served for lunch into the eyes of the guards, grabbed their keys, and made a run for it. Last I read in the paper they tried to escape to Canada via Lake Michigan in a cardboard refrigerator box and were never heard from again. Serves 'em right ( again, in my humble opinion). Either they made it or drowned trying. All's I know is that none of 'em washed up anywhere here on the shores 'tween here and Milwaukee.
I also heard through the CBG (Cracker Barrel Grapevine) That the heavy-set, hairy-moled midget (Yes, politically incorrect, but just deal with it) that served us on roller skates in the non-smoking section awhile back, drove her '53 Buick woodside station wagon all the way to Vegas on near-bald tires. I heard that they were retreads, but I can't confirm that information. Rumor is, she works in a breakfast diner by day, and at night dances in an all-midget girlie review at the "Sand Bar" till three in the morning (their time). Hey. I know I shouldn't judge how a person makes their living, but Holy Smokes, Batman , an all midget girlie review? Heck, she had thighs as big as telephone poles. PLUS, her water on the knee (which she got by waitressing on roller skates all those years) was not very flattering. Did I mention that her left big toe was hacked off as a youngster cutting wood for her MawMaw and makes it hard for her to balance in those 3 inch stilletto heels she dances in. She keeps crashing into the platinum blonde transvestite that dances next to her. Makes me wonder how many times that will happen before the platinum blonde and her throw down. Last time anybody messed with the blonde, they ended up with a Tidy Bowl swirlee from the nearest bathroom (Men's or ladies-I'm not quite sure).
For all those that have been wondering, Pip stilll fights the everyday battle with cough syrup (Vicks Formula 44. Talk about rotgut, would ya?). She's still in denial but she's a grown woman and will reap what she sows. It's really sad, seeing her in the corner in a fetal position, sucking her thumb and whining: "Please! Just one more slug! I promise it'll be my last!"
Char has taken up a new hobby. Saw it at the County Fair and was immediately enthralled. She spends every weekend at various rodeos in the Midwest wrestling and riding greased pigs. She's pretty good at it. Her personal preference is WD40 but some competitions use Crisco.
Well, that's all for now. I'm wore out and need to hit the sack. Stay tuned, kiddies.
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