Well. Girls' Night Out. Always fun to be back at the Cracker Barrel when we can sneak past the 72 yr old white-headed old lady bouncer ( who, BTW used to be a WWF wrestler when it used to be the WWF). Anyhoo. We were able to be seated because my middle sister, Peg, went in in a bear hat and large showy sunglasses (oh, and without her teeth) incognito to divert her attention. She was back in the clearance racks (a whopping 70% off some things!) and Peg kept asking her questions about the John Deere sweatshirts across the aisle (not on sale). We were able to be seated in the back (non-smoking section, of course) all the while this was going on. Finally the bouncer was able to brush her off cause she was getting a bit squeemish about getting spit on whenever Peg asked her a diversionary question. ( She's not so good at talking toothless). As she went in the back for more stock, Peg snuk to the table although she knocked over a kid in a rocker playing chess. (Only two stitches needed, we found out later).
This time, as in all others, we got a new waitress. Definitely new, as all the established ones won't wait on us anymore. Once is all each one'll do. I can't figure it out. Someone said they either hid in the kitchen under the canned tomatoes or faked appendicitis when we show up. Beats me. Now this one was more our style. She was a midget (not a politically correct term, but one nonetheless, cause I don't know the other). 'Bout as wide as she was tall, with thick "man" glasses and a hairy mole high up on her right cheek (her right, our left). Guess she thought she'd be pretty busy that night cause she was on roller skates. Ya know, the REAL ones with four wheels per skate. Not the new, goofy ones. Anyway, we saw her coming out of the kitchen like a bat after a mosquito. Scared the livin' snot outa all of us cause she came at us like a bowling ball toward the pins. Thank the Lord she was good at using the brakes on them things. Of course, we all ordered the sweet tea (except Pip. She's on the wagon and had a diet coke. I'm not really sure, though, but it looked like she was pouring a little something in it under the table. Said she had a bad cough and needed the cough syrup). I don't know, though. You know how those school teachers lie just to keep their sanity sometimes. Anyway, She was good to keep our glasses filled, as we're quite the thirsty bunch. We knew ,though, that there was gonna be trouble when we told her we all wanted SEPARATE tickets. You'da thought we asked for a jillion bucks. Let me tell ya. That's when all the yelling started. She started up with the attitude. She called us twelve-sandwich-eatin'-white-pimple-butt-egg-suckin'-sons of guns! Said she better get a darn good tip for doing that. I just flat-out told her that we'd tip her good. At least ten per cent if she gave us good service. She threw down her pencil and said, "Ten per cent!? Is that all? Then I just gave it to her straight. Told her I tithed ten per cent to the Lord, and NO WAY was I gonna give her a dime more than I gave Him. Honestly, folks, I'd had just enough sweet tea in me to make me THAT doggone bold. Now. All this before we even ordered our meals. Empty stomach. Lotsa Sweet tea= Trouble. She started up with the name calling. SHE started it, mind you. Told us how we we're no-good southern Dutchmen. Now mind you, our hometown is only 25 miles south of there, but we're a proud people. NO ONE talks to the Girls like that. NO ONE. That was just. about. it. Before another word was said, my sister, Sis, FLEW over the table at her with the loudest head-butt I ever heard. Knocked her clean outa one skate ( which flew into the smoking section underneath a high chair). Now, if you've never seen a heavy-set, fuming, hairy-moled midget hopping around on one skate, the other foot smooshing around unswept up mac and cheese, you haven't been out much. In the mean time, my sister Barb, (age 71, doesn't look a day over 70) Had swiped the pitcher of sweet tea and was keeping us stoked. Actually, she always was the trouble-maker of the family. Now, the family with the baby in the high chair from the smoking section came over with their dukes up. They were TICKED. The thought that someone had lost control of a skate and almost took out their precious little one was more than they could take. Their 9 year old daughter got brave and kicked out the skated foot of the midget who was still hopping around. Well at that point, the midget said that she gave up, and crawled back into the kitchen to put ice on the goose-egg that came up on her forehead. In the mean time, the "baby-family" went back to the smoking section to finish smoking and eat their cornbread (it's a shame to waste good cornbread). We finally got our order taken by the manager, who, BTW fired the HSFHMM (heavy set fuming hairy moled midget) on the spot cause he saw it all and how she instigated the whole thing by her greedy spirit. AND, to top it off, offered free dessert if we'd knock off the sweet tea for the rest of the meal. It was hard, but we thought free dessert was worth it. My sister Char ate two desserts. She ate Pip's, cause she'd been passed out in the corner (non-smoking section, of course) I think due to all the cough syrup.
This time, as in all others, we got a new waitress. Definitely new, as all the established ones won't wait on us anymore. Once is all each one'll do. I can't figure it out. Someone said they either hid in the kitchen under the canned tomatoes or faked appendicitis when we show up. Beats me. Now this one was more our style. She was a midget (not a politically correct term, but one nonetheless, cause I don't know the other). 'Bout as wide as she was tall, with thick "man" glasses and a hairy mole high up on her right cheek (her right, our left). Guess she thought she'd be pretty busy that night cause she was on roller skates. Ya know, the REAL ones with four wheels per skate. Not the new, goofy ones. Anyway, we saw her coming out of the kitchen like a bat after a mosquito. Scared the livin' snot outa all of us cause she came at us like a bowling ball toward the pins. Thank the Lord she was good at using the brakes on them things. Of course, we all ordered the sweet tea (except Pip. She's on the wagon and had a diet coke. I'm not really sure, though, but it looked like she was pouring a little something in it under the table. Said she had a bad cough and needed the cough syrup). I don't know, though. You know how those school teachers lie just to keep their sanity sometimes. Anyway, She was good to keep our glasses filled, as we're quite the thirsty bunch. We knew ,though, that there was gonna be trouble when we told her we all wanted SEPARATE tickets. You'da thought we asked for a jillion bucks. Let me tell ya. That's when all the yelling started. She started up with the attitude. She called us twelve-sandwich-eatin'-white-pimple-butt-egg-suckin'-sons of guns! Said she better get a darn good tip for doing that. I just flat-out told her that we'd tip her good. At least ten per cent if she gave us good service. She threw down her pencil and said, "Ten per cent!? Is that all? Then I just gave it to her straight. Told her I tithed ten per cent to the Lord, and NO WAY was I gonna give her a dime more than I gave Him. Honestly, folks, I'd had just enough sweet tea in me to make me THAT doggone bold. Now. All this before we even ordered our meals. Empty stomach. Lotsa Sweet tea= Trouble. She started up with the name calling. SHE started it, mind you. Told us how we we're no-good southern Dutchmen. Now mind you, our hometown is only 25 miles south of there, but we're a proud people. NO ONE talks to the Girls like that. NO ONE. That was just. about. it. Before another word was said, my sister, Sis, FLEW over the table at her with the loudest head-butt I ever heard. Knocked her clean outa one skate ( which flew into the smoking section underneath a high chair). Now, if you've never seen a heavy-set, fuming, hairy-moled midget hopping around on one skate, the other foot smooshing around unswept up mac and cheese, you haven't been out much. In the mean time, my sister Barb, (age 71, doesn't look a day over 70) Had swiped the pitcher of sweet tea and was keeping us stoked. Actually, she always was the trouble-maker of the family. Now, the family with the baby in the high chair from the smoking section came over with their dukes up. They were TICKED. The thought that someone had lost control of a skate and almost took out their precious little one was more than they could take. Their 9 year old daughter got brave and kicked out the skated foot of the midget who was still hopping around. Well at that point, the midget said that she gave up, and crawled back into the kitchen to put ice on the goose-egg that came up on her forehead. In the mean time, the "baby-family" went back to the smoking section to finish smoking and eat their cornbread (it's a shame to waste good cornbread). We finally got our order taken by the manager, who, BTW fired the HSFHMM (heavy set fuming hairy moled midget) on the spot cause he saw it all and how she instigated the whole thing by her greedy spirit. AND, to top it off, offered free dessert if we'd knock off the sweet tea for the rest of the meal. It was hard, but we thought free dessert was worth it. My sister Char ate two desserts. She ate Pip's, cause she'd been passed out in the corner (non-smoking section, of course) I think due to all the cough syrup.
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