Actually there weren't many of the above this month which I guess is a good thing. Except there was an incident at the medical clinic that shook the town. A local resident, Ben Dover, was signing in for his weekly allergy shot (4 docs, no waiting) and all of a quickness started moanin' and a bawlin. Kept saying something about he thought he was having the "Big One".
Well, of course the staff shifted into action like a well oiled machine. The receptionist was to call 911, but she couldn't remember the number. A bit of paper shuffling went on ("I know that number's here somewhere"). The nurse brought out the jumper cables and was fixing to thump him a good one in the chest. When Ben saw the jumper-thumper, he started running around in circles saying "I'd rather die than get thumped!" By now he was hysterical and screaming. One of the Docs heard the ruckus and came flying out of his office. He chased Ben in circles and kept saying "just let me take your temperature!" Of course, Ben would have none of it. He made a break for the nearest restroom and almost was tripped up when he hesitated to look at the signs on the door. Being a modest chap, he didn't want to mistakenly enter the Ladies' Room. He had once accidentally done that in the Pizza King as a young boy and got the snot slapped outa him by Betta Knott, the oldest school bus driver on the grade school's mighty fleet. She was feared far and wide (in the north county, anyways) for her wide left turns. Seems she got her start as a tandem semi driver at the tender age of 16. Anyway, I digress.
He pushed the door open with a mighty shove and quickly locked it behind him. With his back to the door and his chest heaving from breathlessness, he again cried out, knowing the "Big One" was imminent. He was afraid there was no stopping it now.
Outside the door, the staff was waiting with baited breath to see what would happen next. The receptionist had finally found the number for 911 and called for an ambulance, the police, and the fire department. As a fireman was getting his axe to chop through the door for the daring rescue, a gut-wrenching scream, "Mother of Heaven!" came from the other side. Then complete silence.
They all new the end had come for Ben. Each was silently thinking that they were glad the last words he had uttered showed that he had come back to his Catholic roots. His deceased mother would have been proud.
The women started silently weeping and the men unashamedly began snottin' and a bawlin'. The office manager felt that since the end had already come, there was no use hacking up a good door. She was in charge of keeping the budget under control, after all. She silently went to her desk drawer and got the key. Tears fell as she slowly walked back down the hall. They all gathered around the door for a short moment of silence before opening it and carrying out their dear friend.
It was then that they heard the faucet turn on. What? Had someone been in there and witnessed the devastating end? The next sound they heard was the blow dryer coming on.
To their great surprise they heard someone whistling. The locked clicked and out walked Ben. Singling out the office manager, he said, "I hate those blow dryers! I could blow harder than they do!" He then sat down in the waiting room and proceeded to open a copy of "Better Bass Boats". Noticing no one moving, he asked, "Well is someone gonna give my allergy shot or not? I'm dyin' here". A collective sigh was heard from the crowd. He was ok.
Later on it was learned that the cause for the flap was that Ben had got himself horribly bound up by eating a pound of Velveeta with crackers a week ago last Wednesday. Although normally regular, he started to panic at the 1 week mark. He ate a whole box of Frosted Mini Wheats the night before. Disappointed from a lack of results that morning, he downed a whole bottle of mint flavored Milk of Magnesia for breakfast (Phillips-not generic). He went to town and sat and jawed with the regulars at the coffee shop. It was rumored he downed 4 cups of black coffee before leaving there and going to the clinic. It was when he entered the signs of a major evacuation were becoming evident.
Unfortunately, the vigilant staff were more versed in heart attacks than constipation and of course, their minds went immediately there. Anyways, after receiving his shot and showing his insurance card, another person that had witnessed the hubbub asked, "Does this mean I won't see you at Our Lady of the Nativity of St Peter, Paul and Mary next Sunday?"
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